*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
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Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
The Birdles
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
meow
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look