After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
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Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not