[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
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I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work