After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
You Might Also Like
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume