After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
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My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
This one’s “Alex”.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call