After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
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self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.