After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
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My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Whoa 😂
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Danger is very dangerous
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.