After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
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Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
This is me 🤣🤣
Effort made
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.