After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
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*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
he was correct
i can’t wait that long
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.