[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
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My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
peep davidson
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????