After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
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My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.