After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
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watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Good morning.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.