After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
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Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Oh my god
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up