After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
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I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
🤣🤣🤣
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor