[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
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I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”