[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
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Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.