[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
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My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.