After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
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Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.