After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
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Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”