After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
You Might Also Like
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting