I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
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squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.