[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
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Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.