After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
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I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose