After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
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“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
🍛
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it