After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
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I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…