After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
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My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Lmfaoooooo
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Twitter remains undefeated
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME