[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
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Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Did I do this right
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”