[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
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I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
When the stylist spins you back around
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??