[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
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People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Holy moly
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”