After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
*has no idea what a book even is*
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Super Hand Dog Face
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
nyc:
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.