After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
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First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
That’s enough internet for the day
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
*updates tinder bio*
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly