After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
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[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am