(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
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[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.