[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
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As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Friends that check up on you >
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.