[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
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I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Match dot com, but for socks.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
time machine? you mean a clock?
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti