[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
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I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.