“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
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Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*