After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
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No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
#titanic
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic