After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
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Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.