After how many years should you clean your microwave?
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VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.