[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
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8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
White parent Vs Arab parents
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.