After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
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[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Lmao
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
“OMGJK” -atheists
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow