@SortaBad

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.

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@Social_Mime

Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.

@WineMummy

Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!

@chrisdowning

You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.

@STRIKINGxVIKING

[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]

Bruce: Viagra!

Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-

Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!

Dr: Ok

*Bruce Dies…Hard*

@VikeeysSecret

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol

@dave_cactus

ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.