After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
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That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Omg 🤣
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please