Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
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Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
This is hilarious….
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.