@Social_Mime Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
@SortaBad After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
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@Social_Mime 
@WineMummy Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
@jessokfine Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
@chrisdowning You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
@STRIKINGxVIKING [Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
@VikeeysSecret “Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
@dave_cactus ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
@olievl Humor: the only thing I like dry.
@DRusso97 This is hilarious….
@Lisa_Laughs_ I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.