After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
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Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17