After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
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When can I start eating bats again.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.