After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
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Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Autocarrot sucks!
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
let the world know you’re kind of a big dill
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Happens to everyone.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”