[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
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Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
the #horror is real!
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.