@whatsJo

[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine

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@AaronFullerton

“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?

@funnyordie

Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.

@AshleyAlready

Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.

@0ne_1980

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

@copymama

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

@dundlewood

I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding

@Lhlodder

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.

@cwhudson

[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless

@tanialunreal

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

@ronnui_

Pixar: How did you get past security?

Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-

Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?

Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good