[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine

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“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?


Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.


Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.


he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish


Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?


I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding


My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.


[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless


Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.


Pixar: How did you get past security?

Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-

Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?

Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good