After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
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Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue