After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
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When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
the three branches of government
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen