@a_simpl_man
@asanders1972 A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
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@asanders1972 
@rusty_coach My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
@cupcakelynda Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
@rickkondell The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
@EliTerry The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
@iwearaonesie My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
@RealDMK Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
@SaraESpivey Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
@SamSkinnerKC Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
@StruggleDisplay Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target