After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.

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A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”

I put her in my pocket and took her home.

She’s mine now.


My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much


Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.


The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.


The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.


My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth


Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in


Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.


Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.


Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss

Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving

Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target