After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
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I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
23. the denim jacket
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
plant them where lol
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS