[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
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Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Self-cleaning conscience
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
The cashier just checked me out.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook