[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
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My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something